Rope People: Why do we do what we do?

First, I want to say that it truly sucks that the West is so frigging uptight…
Just like any other practice or art form that has anything at all to do with pleasure, rope bondage is still seen as “tabu” and “shameful” here.

Bullshit.

But that’s a battle for another day.

I am intrigued by rope for so many reasons. I see it as a beautiful thing. And I am only now learning it’s intricacies.

I am intrigued by the thought of a woman tightly bound and beautifully displayed in my rope. I am excited by the thoughts of her surrender to it, and what I can do to her while she’s helplessly bound before me.

But there is so much more.

Several Nawashi that I closely follow, and many friends I’ve made that are so very skilled in the art, all say that I should consider rope an extension of myself. Enjoy it. Play with it.

I am still at the point of my education where I am learning the technical aspects, the fundamentals. And I’m realizing that it can easily become mechanical that way.

Much like the new music student, practicing his instrument, the scales and repetition are not at all pleasing to experience, nor are they fun to perform.

But I am getting away from that, and remembering that it’s not just the act of tying… The sensual connection is so, so very important.

My ties need not be perfect every time. But my connection with my Banira needs to be.
Every time, without fail.

That’s the goal.

Yes, sometimes we do things strictly for aesthetics, and so there isn’t as great a sensual connection. But rope IS sensual, and there MUST be that connection for the scene to succeed.

There are a few videos on Vimeo that I want to share, that explain it far better than I can…

First, “Shibari” with Seilartig & FrlLilly in a video by Luca Steiner.
It is beautiful, but subtitled. Still, please take time to watch and read their comments…

And next, Isabelle Hanikamu, in an interview, explains the experience of the pain and release of Japanese bondage. It is right on target as far as why ropey folks do what we do.

If you are curious about Shibari, Kinbaku, and Semenawa, you will probably have a much greater understanding of the appeal of rope after watching those videos.

You realize, as Esinem is fond of saying, “We are tying people, not parcels”… It should be a deeply sensual experience.

It is for me…
Wolfrik.

I don’t know what I don’t know!

So, as Banira and I practice or play with our rope, I came to two very strong conclusions:
First, I absolutely love tying Banira up, and trying new things, but
Second, I DON’T KNOW what I don’t know!

For example – We’ve done lots of tying with our nylon – Beautiful dyed rope from @Myxolydian… It’s smooth, heavy, and it has a certain feel that we enjoy. We’ve done some beautiful work with it, and perfected many ties using it.

But then we started using our jute more. It’s a wonderful Ogawa jute, that we got from @VisualSanctity – Amazing folks that do such extreme Semenawa… But anyway, when I started tying her with the jute, it was like I was learning all over again. The weight is different, it whips around so much more… I kept smacking her with the running ends… Handling it is completely different than handling the nylon. I didn’t know how different it would be! Lesson learned? Be MUCH more aware of how you handle the rope when using your jute.

Then, on a separate occasion, we learned that futos, TK’s and wrist ties don’t affect Banira’s circulation at all, and she can endure them for some time… But being strung up in her expensive, pretty leather cuffs just for a few minutes actually caused circulation issues in her wrists. Lesson learned? Can’t assume things work the same way, and always pay attention to your bottom.

What’s the commonality? In both cases, I assumed things would be the same, but they weren’t. I didn’t know there would be a difference, because I didn’t know what I didn’t know!

So, it drove home the point that any process, especially one as dangerous as Kinbaku, requires both people on both sides of the rope to always be learning, always be exploring, and always be attentive to every minute detail. The experience can be so very intense, and that’s the goal we strive for, but it can’t be reached if you choose not to approach it with the mindset that you’ll never know everything.

I am very new in the rope lifestyle. I may be passionate, and even obsessed.

But I acknowledge that even after I have achieved years of experience, I will never allow myself to be complacent when the safety of my beloved Banira is literally on the line.

Because I will never be so experienced that I will allow myself to assume that I know what I don’t know.

Dominance, submission, and sexual service…

A friend of mine in a group I follow posted something in a chat that was an interesting question. The question basically was: Would you still embrace the role of Dominant if there was no sexual service involved?

In essence, the question addressed the concept that being a Dominant, and expecting sexual service from your submissive, are actually separate things. Sexual service is not required as part of a D/s relationship.

From from the viewpoint of the purest definition of Dominant/submissive, that makes perfect sense. The Dominant is in control of all aspects of the submissives life. He or she makes the decisions, enforces the rules, and expects obedience and submission at all times. So technically, sexual service would not be the primary part of that dynamic, it would, in this context, be only supplemental.

But although I can see how that is, in fact, the purest, truest form of a D/s dynamic, I have to admit that my desire to be a Dominant does fall back on my fundamental desire for sexual submission and service.

Do I understand that there are many, many other aspects of the dynamic beyond that of sexual service? Of course I do! And I also understand that a submissive also usually seeks the cocoon of total surrender to her Dominant, not just sexually, but in all aspects of her life. This actually provides her with the comfort of a security blanket, if you will, knowing that in her submission, all her needs will be met, not just those involving sexual gratification. But still, I believe the greatest majority of us that embrace this dynamic, do so for the erotic aspect of sexual submission. Perhaps that isn’t the best reason, but it’s why we do it.

So obviously this is a discussion worthy of a lot more thought. For me, personally, I have to believe that the submissive is as interested in providing her sexual service, as I am in receiving it. And to be truthful, the erotic enticement of the willing sexual submissive is one of the main draws for me as a Dominant.

But the original question is a valid one, and brings to light a fact that’s often overlooked… Embracing this dynamic is hard work, and does require the Dominant to accept responsibility for all the aspects of the submissives needs and well-being. Not just his or her sexual gratification. And sometimes, we get lazy, or we overlook that fact, or we come into the dynamic after seeing 50 Shades, and don’t know what the hell we’re doing. But the fact remains, when there is a true Dominant/submissive relationship established, it is about so much more than just sexual service.

So it never hurts to remind ourselves exactly what our roles are supposed to be, and the responsibilities that come with them. By remembering that, we avoid neglect and complacency.

This is very important, because I believe complacency kills relationships. Stepping up and making the conscious effort to always live up to the responsibilities you’ve accepted is what makes for a successful, long-term relationship. Assuming your sub is in the relationship with you for no other reason than to be your sex toy, is setting the stage for cataclysmic failure…

So, as I was reminded today, a true submissive is just that: submissive. In her mind, she is submissive in all aspects of her life, not just her sexual service to you. And it’s important that we as Dominants remember that, because it’s easy, so easy, to get complacent and just take her for granted. And that is a shameful thing for us to do to a woman who has offered herself to us so freely and completely.

Thanks for reading my rant, and thanks to my friend who posted the original question, making me think about it…

Your insight is greatly appreciated!

Wolfrik

In the Beginning…

I’ve been asked many times about what drew me into the lifestyle. And I gotta say, it was a LONG time a ago. College in the 70’s and 80’s, to be exact. But I remember it as if it were yesterday.

It started with a woman I was dating in college. She was a sweet, short haired blond Polish girl, who I’ll just call Jane. I was in my Sophmore year, 1980. WAY before the Internet took off. We weren’t really “serious”, but having fun together.

And she had a certain kink that made her hot as hell. She had rape fantasies. She loved being taken by force…

Well, I had the key to her place, and when her room mate was out for a night, I was encouraged to sneak in and play-rape her. Obviously it was all staged, because real women go to bed in a t-shirt and granny panties, not lacy teddies, garters and stockings, but it was a game, and it was fun. I would sneak in, put a pillow over her head or wrap her head in a towel and “rough her up a bit”, which usually meant just a serious spanking and then a slap to the face to convince her to kneel and do as she was told. The rest is pretty obvious, involving usually tying her up in some fashion so that she felt completely helpless, and taking her. That was her rush. I could do what I wanted, make her do what I asked, she had no control. We didn’t really know much about BDSM, didn’t have safe words, it was just play. Once even on a hike I dragged her out in the woods and tied her spread eagle between two trees on her knees. She did seriously enjoy that kind of play.

But we had something happen that was actually her idea that set off a desire and addiction in me that I will never overcome. She sent me into the lifestyle.

Her bed was an older wrought iron kind with the poles on the four corners that support a frame above that you hang mesh or fabric from, you’ve seen them, Real big in the 80’s. I have tied her to it many times by now. But this time she wanted to be “tied by her pussy to suck my cock”… And that was the inspiration that set us off.

I had her kneel at the foot of the bed, facing the bottom, her knees right up against the edge and spread apart. I ran rope from each of her ankles up to the corner on the top of the bed to hold her legs down. Then I simply took a long rope, wrapped it around her waist, tied it together in the front, than ran the two ends down between her legs, up the crack of her ass, and the tied them both tight to the rail above her. I was then planning on tying her wrist up to the top, but it was awkward and didn’t really work. So I took it apart, spun the rope around her waist until the knot was in back, then ran the two ends down through her ass crack and UP over her pussy, and behind the loop in front. I centered the two ropes on either side of her clit, pulled back her labia to make them sit tight, and then changed my world: The two ropes were now coming up behind the loop in front of her… It was an incredibly sexy sight! I stood up on the bed behind her, ran a rope to each corner on the HEAD of the bed to the tops of canopy rails. And then I pulled them tight until she lost her balance and fell into the rope harness that was between her legs. She was not at all comfortable, and it held her back arched a good 2 feet off the bed. Her ankles were tied to the top, and she was struggling to “table” and push herself up with her hands to take the pressure off her pussy. I didn’t let her. I tied her wrists as quickly as a could, and then pulled each wrist tight as I could UNDER her to the FOOT of the bed, so that her wrists are tied and pulled down, her ankles are tied and pulled up to the head, and her back is arched high, pulled up by her crotch rope. But as much as it had to hurt, she didn’t tell me to let her go. She was groaning a bit, said it hurts, it hurts, but didn’t say stop. And the vision of her tied there like that was breathtaking. I swear to God I was mesmerized at what I had done… And because the ropes coming up from her crotch split after passing under the waist rope, it was easy to just kneel in front of her head, pull, pinch and tease her nipples, all while fucking her mouth. She kept her lips as tight as she could on me to make it intense for me, and I was totally lost in the moment. I fell back into her favorite rape fantasy theme, blah, blah, blah, but instead of spanking her, which was too awkward, or a light slap to the face, I slapped her breasts. I then I slapped her pussy. Hard. And again, and again, and the moan that she made was just amazing. In less than a minute she was not at all concentrating on my cock.. She was thrashing and bouncing up and down, and actually pulling against the crotch rope. She looked like she was trying to fuck it. And then she lost her mind. The guttural sounds she was making while she was thrashing against that rope were primal. Her hands were balled into fists, and her face was red, and she just kept jerking into the rope and grunting and moaning, until she had more of a huge gasp, like all the air went out of her, and she went almost completely limp. I had the crotch rope untied in seconds, and she collapsed. I untied her wrists first and didn’t even get to finish untying her ankles and she was curled up in the fetal position, rubbing her pussy with one hand. I have to believe it was because it was so sore. She didn’t really respond or speak for 2 or 3 minutes, but when she finally did, she smiled and just said “Wow!”. That’s’ it. That’s all I got. “Wow!”

We played a lot more that semester, but she never wanted to do that again. And after Summer break she went to Rutgers, and we split up. It was really, really hard to lose that relationship.

But years and years later I learned what I had done. I guess I pushed her into subspace. Pain and pleasure got so intertwined that her mind couldn’t process it.

I have pursued that illusive mind state ever since. Seeing it happen to a woman is just awe inspiring and addictive. And that moment, that scene, is permanently etched into my brain. To this day I smile a little thinking about it.

And that is what threw me into the lifestyle… All this before the ‘Net, Facebook, and Fetlife.

I have done my best to recreate that scene later on, but that first time.. Not really knowing what we were doing… It was absolutely amazing.
I’ve gotten pretty good at reproducing it, though… Any volunteers???

Wolfrik